Yesterday was day 6 of the reboot, the beginning of the juice fast. I had a lot going on in my brain and was finally able to get it out in my journal last night before bed.
Here's what came out.
Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. All I could think about, obsess about, were my cravings. Nachos, beans & cheese, tacos, hot dogs...all things crap. Mostly.
I've found myself in another funk today. A couple of times I tried to joke about wanting food by throwing a little tantrum and found myself starting to tear up. Then I would ridicule myself for being so ridiculous because it's just food ferfucksake! After a few minutes of yelling at myself I'd calm down then five minutes later it would start again. It was like riding on those little roller coaster hills. Up and down, up and down, up and down, all day long.
Finally I thought to myself, what is it I'm actually working through here? I had to think on this a bit but I realized that I have this idea of “not enough” around both food and money. Something in my head has been programmed to tell me that I better eat now because there might not be enough later. Eat now before the money runs out! Where did that come from?
It took some time to think it through but as I was climbing in to bed last night it hit me and the memories came flooding back.
I grew up with an alcoholic Father who had a hard time holding down a job and who lived on vodka. There wasn't a lot of food in the house during my teen years. I remember walking back from the grocery store when I was 13 with three bags of food that I bought with the money I earned from my paper route. I was hungry and there wasn't any food in the house so I went and bought some.
This happened quite a bit during this time in my life. My Father was losing his grip on things and I stepped up to hold it together for as long as my little 13 year-old person could. So, perhaps this is where this programming started.
If so, it must have really taken hold at that time in my life because even though I've not gone without food and rarely without a paycheck my entire adult life, my mind still functions in this survival mode. Which makes me wonder about my thought processes around other things in life.
This isn't just a cleansing of my physical body. It's turned out to be an all around cleansing.